I have a serious side. Hopefully, through this blog, you will see more of the real me and less of the hot mess. I am not ashamed of publicly sharing my hot mess attributes, it is one of my quirks. I laugh at myself daily. I can pull some really good ones. But there is a whole other side to me that not many get to see.
Will I actually publish this post? We shall see. I guess I need to really start allowing myself to show all sides instead of obstructed views. How else could you possibly relate to me?
So here goes…
I am sensitive. I try to hide that. I don’t open up much because I am not comfortable with a whole lot of people knowing my vulnerabilities. I don’t trust many. I have been burned before. By opening up to someone you trust and have them turn around and use it against you is truly heartbreaking. I have experienced that. I have learned to carry a shield. I use it every day. Through laughter. Laughter is my shield. It keeps people just far enough away but close enough to share a chuckle or a good laugh.
Over the years I have overcome being sensitive, somewhat. I grew a thicker skin. I learned to brush off things in life that truly hold no meaning to me. I used to weigh myself down with worry. I lived in fear.
I worried that I would not be accepted by others. I worried people wouldn’t like me for who I was. It was as if I was not enough. Not good enough. I may come off as confident and strong. But deep inside me is a flower that was almost left to die. One who was afraid to blossom and be who she was meant to be. One who would not turn her face towards the sun for fear of being burned. One who was, or so she thought, perfectly happy in her little bubble, going through life tip-toeing around things so she wouldn’t cut her feet on any glass that lay in her path. Shattered remnants of pain and anguish she so carefully tried to avoid. Shattered remnants she wouldn’t face.
One day, something inside me turned. Like batter does when a mixer is placed into the bowl. Like the wind bends the trees when a storm is blowing in. It was pretty gloomy that day. I felt like I had no pleasure and no purpose in life. I remember stopping to pray and asking God for His guidance. His whisper. Anything to let me know what I was supposed to do.
My book, Such A Pretty Face, will debut soon, and through writing it, I have faced and conquered each and every fear. But also through writing it, I found my purpose and my meaning in life. We are all put here for a reason. That I truly believe. We aren’t meant to sit in the dark and hide. We aren’t meant to lick our wounds and feel sorry for ourselves. We are meant to RISE UP, unafraid and follow the path that God has chosen for us.
I have finally figured out I was meant to be wild. Difficult to find, meaning I am not meant to be a doormat for every person who crosses my path. I am not meant to give and give so much that it depletes my own soul. So much, that I put myself and my needs on the back burner. That’s not healthy. I was robbing myself of a fulfilling life. I was robbing myself of happiness. Of content. Of knowing I am worthy of all good things this world has to offer. I can still help others, that I will always do. But what I will not do is deplete my savings of inner peace. I had to work hard to push past the pain and pull the sunshine out from behind the clouds. I had to restore my negative balance and make it a positive one. Make it abundant. And, I pray each day I will keep it.
Don’t allow the pretty to be picked from you. The parts that people want. You can give too much pretty and then be left to die. Do you. DO YOU FIRST, then go on and help others. Make sure you make a positive impact on every human being you encounter. Make yourself unforgettable. Be sincere. But most of all, be you. BEYOUTIFUL.
I will not be another flower,
picked for my beauty and left to die.
I will be wild, difficult to find, and impossible to forget.
– Erin Van Vuren