I guess this is the part where I introduce myself. Where I tell you who I am, what I am all about and what the heck I am trying to accomplish. There are two words that can sum me up pretty easily. Hot and mess. Hot mess. That’s me. I go through life like the pink elephant in the room. I really shouldn’t be left unsupervised. But they claim I am an adult now. Go figure.
Controlling my tongue is not a problem. It’s my face that needs deliverance! Ok, so maybe that isn’t exactly true. I do tend to say what is on my mind. At times, holding all this sarcasm in can physically hurt. It’s a sense of relief when I can allow my mouth to spill out what my mind is thinking. But then there is always the chance that I have offended somebody. I don’t mean to, because sometimes the truth does hurt, and the way to tell someone they are being an asshat is delivered more gently through humor. Right? Just shake your head yes.
I guess I am not accomplishing much with the introduction, am I? Since I am completely certain you are waiting with bated breath, allow me to go ahead and dish the dirt on myself. Completely. Well, let’s not get carried away. Baby steps, folks.
So let’s start with a little about me. I am forty-six years old, as much as that number seems to be escalating and quickly, I am actually thankful I can say I am forty-six. It’s a privilege. Not a birthright. And, I figure the longer I live, the more people I can piss off or entertain. You decide. I am also quite certain there is a pretty good chance I’ll end up being one of those senior citizens who bite people randomly.
I hate pants. I love wine. I can kill you with kindness or sarcasm. Pick your poison. I am a mother of two grown children. I am also a single mother to one grown ass woman I call mom. The broad can drive anyone to drink. You’ll hear more about her as time goes on.
My other children have left the nest and left me batshit crazy. I love them, with all that I have in me, but there were times I wanted to drop kick them in ways the CPS would not have approved of. Bless their little hearts.
Little pains in the asses they were, and still can be. Don’t roll your eyes at me. I just felt all the holier than thou parents sigh in unison. You know you have wanted to do it, too. You just won’t say it out loud. You are the same parents who sit silently and judge mom’s like me while your Little Johnny is wreaking havoc on the neighborhood. Just say it out loud, they drive you crazy. You know it, I know it. You’ll feel so much better.
How’s that saying go? “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” And, it’s true. You can’t be all Mary Poppins all day every day. How fun is that? Tell the world, (and your children) how you really feel. If they don’t like it, well they can pour themselves the bowl of Cornflakes you had planned for dinner. Don’t do it for them. That’ll teach em’.
Still with me? Good. I mean, you must like torture. Or you are just utterly amazed at what you’ve stumbled upon. I hope so. That means you will be back for more. Or, you can go try to detox yourself and pray for me.
If you came here to be coddled and babied. Back that bus up, Gus. Not happening. I pretty much tell it like it is. I offer no apologies. I will offer you a bitch slap and an eye roll when appropriate. Oh, and for free. You’re welcome.
Oh, did I tell you I am writing a book? Yes, I have been. There’s no ending. Not yet at least. I can’t go into all the details, but there will be an ending. It may come in crashing like a tsunami, but it’s gonna happen.
You’ll learn more about me as the blog develops. My hope is to make you laugh, maybe even cry a little or scream “Uncle”. Maybe I will drive you to drink. Or make you attend church to cleanse yourself. Who knows? Get your panties out of the wad they are now in. I believe in Jesus. Sometimes Jesus wants to bitch slap me. I know it. Why do you think I choose to walk in a zig zag pattern and not a straight line? So He cannot easily reach out and zap my ass.
I have so much in the works and in store. I wish I could share it all. For now, patience is definitely a virtue. I don’t know what the hell I am doing. But I am not afraid and I am not stupid. Because wine.
Thanks for stopping by. You can find me on Facebook at Breakfast at Christy’s. I will link my youtube and Instagram accounts soon. Lord help all of you.
Please excuse the mess. Just step over things until I get situated. Might be a bit. Again, no apologies. I’ll see you soon.