Pumpkin Spice Is Not So Nice

I have a hatred of pumpkin spice.  I loathe it.  I brace myself every year when the calendar flips to September.  It’s like a whole new world of crazy unleashes and with each passing year, it gets crazier. To the point of being obscene.

Don’t get me wrong, I like pumpkin.  As in pumpkin cheesecake, pumpkin scents, pumpkins on my porch signalling Fall has come arrived.  I love Fall!  Everything about it. I eat one slice of pumpkin pie per year.  On Thanksgiving.  That slice of pie has a tub of Cool Whip topping on it, too.  That’s called living, folks.  It’s all about the whipped topping.

Need a little spice in your life while practicing safe sex?  Slap on a pumpkin spice condom.  You’ll really spice things up in the bedroom.  Bitch, please.  Bring a pumpkin spice condom anywhere near me and I’ll be sure that your “pumpkin” not only gets carved but that your seeds will be roasted.

Want to attract the man or woman of your dreams?  It’s simple!  Just swish a little pumpkin spice mouthwash around for a few minutes, and voila!  You’ll attract the person you have always dreamed of.  Not.  More like you’ll attract a person with a weird fetish of rolling around in spices as foreplay.

There are doughnuts, cereal, drinks, meats, candles and coffee creamers, oh my!  When will it stop?  Who sits around a boardroom table and decides some lunatic wants pumpkin spice in their bratwurst?  Apparently, a lot of people do, or these companies wouldn’t be producing products like this.  If you eat bratwurst that is flavored with pumpkin spice, we can’t be friends.  Bratwurst only requires a little mustard and maybe some saurkraut as an added bonus.

If you love pumpkin spice and live for the season, good for you.  I make no judgements.  We all have our own preferences and likes.  Go get a latte on a cool Fall morning.  Enjoy every last drop.  But this pumpkin spice everything is a little out of hand.   You can’t go anywhere without seeing it advertised on any billboard or fast food restaurant sign.  It makes me want to start smashing pumpkins.

I better put some bail money in the bible, I might need it if I start on a smashing pumpkins spree.

Y’all gonna make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.

Pumpkin spice season makes me feel a little Octobery, like I want to visit a pumpkin patch or murder someone.

Please.  Stop.


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